Do you ever find yourself in a position where you are having to make a fresh beginning but that really wasn’t your intention? Sometimes whether we choose to or not a fresh start or new beginning is staring down at us and we are left with little choice but to either take that first step or stand frozen in uncertainty. This blog. This fresh start, although not my intention to begin again is my new beginning. My first step and it begins here.
I had a website and a blog. One that I was proud of. One that I worked extremely hard to create and pave a way in unfamiliar territory but I let it go. Why? I find myself here asking the same question. If I would have paid the hosting bill last august or even the bill with the penalty fees in November I would still have that beautiful blog and website with all my work, all my photography posts displayed beautifully for visitors to see. But its gone. I did not pay the bill nor the penalty fees so my blog and website disappeared into the world-wide web abyss as I call it. All the posts and images I so diligently loaded and posted to share with the world are gone. I was informed yesterday that I would be unable to retrieve that work and I would in fact need to begin again. I felt an ache in my heart at the thought of all the work gone. It took me months to create it and hours upon hours of work after its debut to keep it up and running. Gone. But I allowed it to happen. Why?
I have been asking myself this question and have come up with multiple answers but there is only one at the root of it all. I am addicted to approval. I need affirmation and encouragement and a cheer section to continue with anything that is challenging. That’s the bottom line. I have found it difficult to walk in confidence and be able to affirm myself. Even more I have elevated the approval and opinions of others over Gods opinion of myself, my walk, my dreams, desires and destiny for far to long.
So today, I begin again. Uncertain of what the future holds. Uncertain of how this blog and website will look or where it will lead. But today I am confident of only one thing. That I am to take a step. I am to write. I am to share my story. I am to live a life of honesty and truth and reveal to the world what is behind the smile.